For me, the idea of setting and maintaining boundaries is about not putting up with shit from anyone – including myself.
People are not mind readers, you can go on for years hoping and praying that things will change, but if you’re not communicating what you want, it’s a recipe for failure, always. (Trust me, I know)
Think about boundaries as like a fence around your whare, you get to invite who you want into your whare, and others need permission to enter. It’s like drawing a line in the sand and saying “this far and no further”.
If you don’t set boundaries, you end up doing a lot of things you don’t want to do and certain people can end up draining your time and energy, until you have nothing left to give. Setting boundaries honours our wants and needs so that we feel respected and safe.
Some examples of boundaries:
❌Not being spoken to in a particular way
❌Not accepting abuse of ANY FORM
❌Not doing things you don’t want to do
❌Not being taken advantage of
❌Not being taken for granted
❌Not taking responsibility for other people’s actions
❌Not enabling certain behaviour or actions
❌Not feeling like you have to “fix” them or look after them
Some tips for setting boundaries:
✅YOU HAVE A CHOICE – about what you will and won’t accept from others, and of course from yourself. What will you choose?
✅BE CLEAR – on what you want/don’t want. Not everyone is comfortable with being as direct as I can be, but if you don’t say it, it won’t get done.
✅TAKE YOUR POWER BACK – it’s absolutely OK for you to say NO!
✅RESPECT other people’s boundaries, be mindful that we all have different wants and needs.
✅CALL THEM OUT – hit them up if they are repeatedly ignoring or disregarding your boundaries. You make the rules when it comes to you and yours.
✅HAVE CONSEQUENCES and be consistent, if you keep being flexible with your boundaries or don’t follow through with consequences, you won’t be taken seriously and you’re right back to square one.
✅LISTEN TO YOUR GUT – if they’re blatantly disrespecting you, or making you feel uneasy or uncomfortable, it’s time to take a good look at the relationship you have with them and feel free to gap it, block them, cut them off. This includes family! ✂️cuttie cut cut.
✅YOU CAN’T CONTROL their behaviour and how they react, but you sure can choose how you respond.
✅POSITIVE FEEDBACK – if they’re respecting the boundaries you’ve set, thank them, it’s actually that simple to help reinforce positive behaviours.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. If you want your friends, whānau, or your mahi mates to respect your boundaries, make sure you’re doing the same for them.